You are what you eat

Like your nagging mother, I’ve told you this before. Sorry, but you just can’t live on pizza and whiskey. If you don’t eat for heart health, eat for jizz health.

Adding partners doesn’t always multiply pleasure

Threesomes are seen as a testament to your ability to supersex more than one person at a time. But besides requiring great multi-tasking and sharing skills, tri-partner play can be hard to navigate because this romping can require more responsibility and communication between all parties involved. More people mean a greater likelihood of pleasure, but also an increased opportunity for hurt feelings — and for the spread of STIs.

You’re supposed to use condoms for blow jobs

… but nobody does that, simply because dick-balloons taste awful. Those who do often opt for flavored condoms (vanilla is most popular). Professional sex workers do tend to use condoms for oral; just one more reason you’re less likely to transmit an STI or STD to and from a sex worker than a civilian.

Homophobia is indicative of same-sex desire

Studies support what most of us already know: men and women who voice the strongest opinions against same-sex sex are also most conflicted about their own arousal. A 1996 study in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, used male, self-identified “straight” participants who admitted negative feelings toward gay males. When exposed to sexually explicit stimuli, the men’s penises indicated arousal. And a piece in the New York Times found a half-dozen similar studies that drew the same conclusion. In Jesse Bering, Ph.D.’s book Perv, he recounts trying to blend in with his peers: “I stuck my head out the car window and screamed, “Faggot!” at my older brother…as we all know perfectly well, a person who shouts homophobic slurs can’t possibly be gay.” 

So to all of those comment trolls, congrats on your coming-out.

Oil and lube might destroy your condom

We learned in the Guide to Getting It On in 2009 not to use petroleum-based products (baby or mineral oil, lotions or Vaseline) with latex condoms because THEY WILL DISSOLVE THE LATEX! As of this writing, polyurethane condoms are safe with oil-based lubes.

Don’t get jizz in your eyes

It hurts! Also, you can contract chlamydia, gonorrhea, hep B, herpes, syphilis, HIV, and HIV. So…. don’t.

Novelty items are for gags

If you bought it at the mall, it’s probably not meant for sex. “Motion Lotion,” “Spanish Fly,” and anything listed as an “edible cream,” is not meant to go inside of a vagina. Sugar or synthetic sweeteners can lead to yeast infections and other complications. Be an intrepid consumer: double-check these products before you buy them! New brands for lubricant come and go quite often, but I stand by JO brand, ID, and Pjur, water-based and silicone.

Your antibiotic might get you pregnant

Well, kind of. If you are prescribed a Rifampicin-type antibiotic, it will make your oral contraceptive less effective. Check with your doctor if you have any concerns about compatibility of medications.

Sex is not baseball

Unless you’re playing the world’s most boring sport, steps do not need to occur in order by following first, second, and third base. Mix it up! Run a zigzag around that field.

Penetration isn’t required

You heard me. Lots of same-sex couples never utilize penetration at all, and have plenty of orgasms. If there’s one question that lesbians are probably sick of hearing, it’s “How do you have sex?” Just so you know, tribation feels amazing.