Navigation
  • Home
  • About
  • Latest
  • Resources
  • BTS
  • Podcast
  • XXX
  • Consulting
  • Shop
  • Contact
     
Search
  • About
  • Latest
  • Resources
  • BTS
Site logo
  • Podcast
  • XXX
  • Consulting
  • Contact
View large
Articles, Education

Sex and Disability: Resources for physically disabled folks – Confluence Daily

Posted on February 5, 2020 at 12:00 am by Elle Stanger / 0

I am a regular sex education contributor to Confluence but was woefully unprepared to discuss the topic due to my own lack of knowledge or experience as an able-bodied person, and thusly I outsourced for this inquiry.

I’d like to thank Katherine Harlow for writing the following and sharing these resources, you can contact her on Instagram @parkavenuepinup, or email misskatherineharlow@gmail.com

 

KH: A key to understanding the intersection of sex and disability is understanding disability theory. Disability theory is complex and nuanced, but essentially: all disabled people are different, our needs are different, our needs deserve to be met, and that we are not a burden. The onus for unlearning ableism, such as unfavorable conceptions, or treatment of disabled people is on abled people.”

Regarding language: some language has changed regarding this issue. We no longer use the phrases “handicapped/handicapable,” or “special needs”.  Our needs aren’t special, just different. this also implies our needs are a privilege, not a right.

“Differently abled”, can be euphemistic, and implies disability is a bad thing.

We largely prefer identity first language: for example “disabled person“, over person-first language “person with a disability”.

Abled vs Able-bodied: Also there has been a shift in referring to non-disabled people as “abled” instead of “able-bodied” in order to acknowledge the existence of mental disabilities. However, if you are speaking about physical disability particularly, it is okay to refer to non-physically-disabled people as “able bodied.”

Access needs: are a need that a disabled person requires to enjoy, experience, or perform something with the least amount of pain, stress, duress, or burden upon them. For example, some folks who have trouble standing might consider needing to sit through the work day is an access need.

Inter-abled sex and/or relationships: This means when one person is disabled and one person is not. Even if this is not the case, here are my recommendations for someone having sex with a disabled person:

 

  • Firstly, unlearn your ableism: all people are socialized to be ableist until we actively unlearn it, and even disabled people can have internalized ableism. Unlearn preconceived notions, stereotypes, misunderstandings, and misinformation about disabled people. (Resources for doing this are below)

 

  • Research your partner’s disability: do as much research as possible on your partner’s disability. Educate yourself as much as possible without putting the responsibility of educating you onto your disabled partner. Research via reliable medical sources, or attend doctor’s visits with your partner, if your partner sees a doctor, and if your partner is comfortable with that. Ask the doctor questions with your partner’s consent.

 

  • Learn your partner’s limitations: have a conversation with your partner in which your learn their limitations. This is similar to a “negotiation” in BDSM, if you will. If they are open to discussing limitations, ask them what is painful, may cause a flare-up, etc. For example, vaginal or anal penetration may be extremely painful for someone with pelvic floor disorder.

 

  • Be creative: disabled people are some of the most creative people in the world from how we have learned to modify certain things with regard to our limitations and the largely inaccessible world. For example, if someone has trouble with penetration, explore outercourse, roleplay, sensation play, etc.

(sex can look like many things, as reminded here)

Resources:

Spotify (podcasts):

-Disability After Dark with Andrew Gurza, Katherine Harlow is a guest on episode 171.

-The Sex Ed with Liz Goldwyn episode with Dr. Linda Mona, who is a disabled clinician.

A lot of this work has yet to be acknowledged by the mainstream or published in books or large media outlets. That being said, there is groundwork being done on social media. On Instagram, check out:

– @crippingupsex: Eva is a disabled sex educator.

– @laraeparker: Lara lives with severe endometriosis and pelvic floor disorder and speaks often about sex and disability, her new book “Vagina Problems” will be out soon.

 

These IG accounts are not necessarily related to sex, but they give excellent groundwork for disability theory:

-@itswalela is a Non-binary POC femme, community organizer, writer, and activist with cancer.

-@_sambosworth is a disability activist with peripheral neuropathy, who is also a wheelchair user.

-@hot.crip  is meme account related to disability and ableism, run by a disabled person.

-@plsdonttouchmycane is another meme account related to disability and ableism run by a disabled person.

-@invalid__art is a Disability activist with over 30 conditions.

-@wheely_good_time is a Disability activist specializing in graphic design, who designs small graphics about the disabled experience.

 

Lastly, Never make your partner feel like a burden: even for the most well-prepared, thought-out sex with a disabled partner, things will not always go to plan. A lot of disabled people have fluctuating access needs, which means that our access needs change, sometimes day to day. Perhaps on a good day, a disabled person can be gently and slowly penetrated, but on a bad day, it is not possible. Sometimes the person does not know until it is attempted and it does not work out.

Don’t express disappointment, frustration, or annoyance, we can tell even if it is not expressed with words. Understand that bodies are complicated, especially disabled bodies. Find and suggest another activity, ask if your partner needs a break, check in, etc.

 

Katherine Harlow is available for contact at misskatherineharlow@gmail.com and @parkavenuepinup on IG.

 

 

Originally published on ConfluenceDaily.com

disabilityintimacypainpleasuresexsex education
Share Post
Previous
The Everyday Gray Areas Of Harassment Toward Women – Anarres Project
Next
JLo’s Super Bowl Pole Dance Was Cringeworthy To Many Real Strippers. Here’s Why. – HuffPOST

About Author

Elle Stanger

Some people call me Elle, others call me Mommy or Babe. I wear a smile more often than anything else and I live in a top-secret safe space in the Pacific Northwest.

Related posts

More details
Community Activism, Education, prostitution, sex work, Uncategorized

WEBINAR – DEMYSTIFYING SEX WORK Jan 27th, 2023

December 30, 2022 at 7:23 pm by Elle Stanger / 0

…

More details
Articles, Blog, sex work

Day To End Violence Against Sex Workers – PORNHUB

December 20, 2022 at 11:40 pm by Elle Stanger / 0

…

More details
Education, Interviews, Updates

Girl Boner Radio: Squirting story!

August 18, 2022 at 7:55 pm by Elle Stanger / 0

…

More details
Education, Interviews, Updates

How to be a classy visitor to a strip club – Project Relationship Podcast

July 9, 2022 at 9:22 pm by Elle Stanger / 0

…

More details
Articles, Community Activism, Education, prostitution

STOP PUNISHING SEX WORK – TheCrimeReport.org

March 23, 2022 at 4:50 pm by Elle Stanger / 0

…

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked

Categories

  • Articles
  • Blog
  • Community Activism
  • Contact
  • decrim
  • Education
  • Erotica
  • HB3088
  • Interviews
  • Oregon
  • Poetry
  • prostitution
  • sex work
  • Uncategorized
  • Updates

Recent Posts

  • LIVE SEX SHOW 2/3/23
  • WEBINAR – DEMYSTIFYING SEX WORK Jan 27th, 2023
  • Day To End Violence Against Sex Workers – PORNHUB
  • The Pegging Book Episode – They Talk Sex Podcast
  • Girl Boner Radio: Squirting story!

Tags

activism advice consent couples COVID dating decriminalization erotica fantasy feminism FOSTA health herpes heterosexual intimacy kids libido masturbation misogyny Oregon parenting podcast police polyamory porn portland prostitution queer relationships SESTA sex sex advice sex education sex tips sex toys sex trafficking sexual health sex work shame Slutwalk STIs stripclub strip clubs stripper strippers

Search engine

Use this form to find things you need on this site